We’re too sexy for our city

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opinion



I can tell from the tortured expressions on your face that you urgently need some good news this morning.

Well you know what, Winnipeg? I have exactly what the doctor ordered in the sense that I am ready to share some surprising news with you that should get your juices flowing.

There’s no point in fooling around the proverbial bush, so I’ll just blurt out – you live in Canada’s fifth sexiest city!

Yes, Winnipeg, prepare to be extremely excited because, among Canada’s major cities, you rank # 5 on the Sexiness Scale for 2020.

For the record, that’s not just my opinion. No, that’s the opinion of Crackerjack researchers at Ontario-based PinkCherry, “Canada’s largest online retailer of adult novelty products for sexual health and wellbeing.”

For the past nine years, this online company has compiled a list of Canada’s sexiest major cities based on per capita sales of its daring merchandise. I’ve researched some of these products online on your behalf and to my untrained eye they look more like fancy TV remotes.

The point is, Winnipeg is number 5 in online adult toy sales on their list of Top 20 sexy Canadian cities with over 300,000 residents, just behind Calgary (# 1), Surrey, BC (# 1). 2), Edmonton (No. 3) and Ottawa (No. 4).

“The results were very interesting and say a lot about the people who live there. For example, people in Calgary focused on gifts from couples to play together, but the people in Winnipeg seemed more interested in self-enjoyment, ”PinkCherry said, gushing in a press release I won’t go into further.

For the record, I have no idea why Calgary should be number 1 other than that it has something to do with the fact that they can probably hide a lot of adult novelties under those huge cowboy hats they all wear.

But the local news gets even more arousing, ahem, in the sense that our sexiness score has skyrocketed since the pandemic started, as Winnipeg was ranked 18th on last year’s sales list, which (for those of you who are remembering degrees) 3 math) means that we just jumped 13 places on the annual sexiness scale.

Allow me the following statement on behalf of all of us in Winnipegg, who is getting sexier and more sexy: “Woo-hoo!”

As if that weren’t enough to put a smile on your seriously sexy faces, keep in mind that we’re officially hotter now than the smug cities of Vancouver (# 16, way below # 1 in 2019) and Toronto (# 11-11) , below from No. 8).

After thinking about these numbers for a few minutes, I realized that Winnipeg is now one of the sexiest Canadian cities in what is arguably the least sexy year in human history.

The bare truth, according to a national survey of researchers from the University of British Columbia, is that Canadians are having less and no more sex amid the pandemic. This is likely due to higher levels of stress, not to mention spending too much time together for couples and too much time alone for singles.

However, as a proud Winnipegger, I would also like to emphasize that the people of this humble prairie town don’t spend much of their mental breadth worrying about how sexy other people find us.

No, we focus on the things that really matter, like: worries about what’s wrong with the jets; Worries about how big our mosquitoes will be this summer; and worrying about whether we can convince our teenagers to shovel our driveways when winter rolls back to town.

It’s safe to say the humble Winnipeggers won’t be marching down Portage Avenue to celebrate the fact that they’re now number 5 on the national sexiness scale. We come from rugged pioneers and are not the kind of immodest people to throw our obvious sexiness on other people’s faces.

Consider the following sexy conversation between two Winnipeggers that I just made up:

Guy # 1: Hey, that’s a nice parka!

Guy # 2: Thanks, uh.

Guy # 1: You are welcome.

Now compare that subtle prairie sex appeal to the exaggerated assault on your senses in this fictional but extremely realistic encounter between two typical Toronto residents:

Guy # 1: How about these leaves?

Guy # 2: OH YES, I AM SOOOOO SEXY!

Guy # 1: OK?!

What I want to say today is that it’s okay for us to be reasonably proud that we finally cracked Canada’s top 5 sexiest cities, although we don’t need anyone to confirm the obvious fact that we are one are smoky hot metropolis.

So just sit back and enjoy the positive vibes, Winnipeg. We don’t care what people in other cities think of our sleek, unobtrusive style. Especially those poor people in Laval, Que. Because they are the last in 20th place.

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Doug Speirs

Doug Speirs
columnist

Doug has almost every job at the newspaper – reporter, city editor, night editor, tour guide, hand model – and his co-workers are confident that at some point he will find something he’s good at.

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