We are Bluehost and we hope you die | by Dennard Dayle | limp jaw | December 2021


Slow.

Illustration by Tristan Dubin.

Nice website! You didn’t deserve it or anything. You deserve Bluehost. Your host is now ours, and that means we own you. The longer you insist on surviving, the worse life becomes.

At Bluehost, we have a simple dream: a triangle that will choke the internet until it stops moving. Teach webmasters that heaven is empty, but Bluehost is right here. Your website whatever.whogivesshit is the next step. And the step after that. Our quarterly goal is to watch your heart give way.

Don’t confuse this with business. We hate you. They are a stain in the real and virtual world. And we’ll keep buying up pissed-off hosts until there’s nowhere left to run.

It’s a compliment: cornering took you a lot of work. Your rowdy army fought a heroic battle. Our parent company EIG respected them almost too much to fire everyone, blacklist them from the industry, and bury their investors in scams. Almost. But we knew you were out there smiling and breathing.

Technical support? Cherish this memory. Any employee who understood the server, customer service, or English was shot and not replaced by anyone. The next time something breaks, visualize a solution. Then imagine a Ferrari. They will arrive at the same time.

We used to wipe clean websites like yours. Now we are selling the data to dictatorships. Which? Your favorite. The one you made all these passionate posts about. Isn’t it nice to find an attentive audience? Trust us, you have got a lot of feedback. You can talk about it later. Personally.

Do you remember your mother’s poetry blog? We bought the shit too. No living soul will see their work unless they write something racist. Then it goes on CNN.

To clarify: We also sell your data to dictatorships. When she buys Domain Privacy, we leave out half of the photos we scraped off her phone. Although they will always be in our personal collection. Mammon doesn’t ask for less.

You may be thinking of the competition. Let us help. There’s DreamHost, which EIG carries in a plastic mustache. Or Hostgator, which is operated by EIG with fixed make-up and an oversized fan. But our favorite is Hostmonster, that’s EIG in blackface. Hateful costumes keep the hosts focused on what matters most: dicing your dreams and giving them back to you.

You can’t pay us to stop or improve. A monopoly is nice, but this is about passion. If we had to pay to dip your server in canine urine, we’d do it anyway. That’s the Bluehost way.

Why? Ask the demiurge. Endurance Investment Group is only a cover for Eat it, god. The big one had it too easy for too long. Once we’ve finished torturing his children, the next thing we come to him is. He can’t hide from us forever. And you can’t hide from us.

Thank you for your business. After your break, we’ll see you in the fire.



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